Thereās a lot of shame around sex. Many people are afraid to explore certain things sexually because of beliefs they have that were passed down to them from their parents, from their community, from their religion. Because of these damaging beliefs, most people donāt realize that there’s even such a thing as sacred sex, or that sex can actually be very, very healing.
Hell, I should know. I was one of them.
If youāre not familiar with my story, hereās the short version: I grew up Catholic. I hated myself, had low self-esteem, was uber judgmental and critical of others. And I constantly beat myself up for having lustful thoughts and, once I got to college, for masturbating. I didnāt have my first serious relationship until I was almost 23, which was fine. But what didnāt work was that, even though Iād left the Roman Catholic Church, I didnāt know how to heal my sexual shame on my own. And my partner had no tools of his own to support me.
Ultimately, I didnāt know how to proactively, kindly, and firmly advocate for what I needed to feel sexually fulfilled without feeling frustrated or like a bad girlfriend.
Eventually, that partner and I broke up, and I began experimenting, exploring ways that I could bring more intimacy, healing, and exploration into sex with future partners. And into my own solo sex practice. As part of that exploration process, I learned how to have sacred sex with myself and with others.
Now, I almost always use solo and partnered sex for healing of some sort. And itās great.
These five strategies are some of the best Iāve found to make sex more connective, intimate, and healing. If you try any of them, Iād love to hear how they work for you.
1. Set an intention for sacred sex.
Whether youāre engaging in solo or partnered sex, setting an intention is a powerful way to frame your entire experience. This is, by far, the most important strategy Iāve encountered for making sex sacred and connective instead of shame-inducing.
One thing to keep in mind about intentions: energy follows intention. So, I advise my clients to think of something broader than āI want to have an amazing orgasm.ā By choosing a powerful intention, you will automatically have a powerful experience.
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I feel best when I ask for someone elseās healing; the truth is that it often brings me healing, too. So, for example, if my partner were going to get an MRI, I might set the intention that they feel supported and calm during the procedure.
Because I am giving selflessly in that scenario, I feel satisfied when I orgasm. Complete. How can I feel ashamed when I directed this powerful sexual energy toward someone elseās good?
Even when my intention has been for my own healing, the result is MUCH more powerful than when my focus has been on the orgasm itself. After all, by being more healed myself, I bring more joy to the world and can hold greater space for others during their healing.
You can also set an intention with partnered sex to make it connective, juicy, wonderful. One great way to do this is to sit across from your partner and decide together BEFORE things get sexy what you want to experience. If youāre kinky, you can also incorporate intention-setting into your pre-scene negotiation.
2. Breathe.
This might seem like a simple strategy, but a lot of people (especially women) donāt do this during sex. For example, I still hold my breath a lot of the time. And growing up, I would hold it as part of my fight-flight-freeze response: if Iām not breathing and Iām frozen, no one can see me. They wonāt judge me. I can use the held breath as a barrier or wall to withstand whatever criticism comes. Those were some of the beliefs I had growing up, at least.
Hereās the problem, though: breath is life force. And sexual energy is a form of life force. If Iām holding my breath, Iām automatically restricting how powerful my orgasm can be and how widely the orgasmic energy will spread through my body.
In fact, if Iām practicing solo sex, and I’ve been touching myself for awhile, and Iām getting close and I havenāt come yet, I check in with myselfā¦ am I breathing fully and deeply? 99% of the time, the answer is no. When Iām in that state and I start to breathe intentionally, I have a powerful whole-body orgasm within 30 seconds.
So, bring breathing into your sacred sex practice. And encourage your partners to breathe! No matter how youāre practicing, breathing will intensify the pleasure and support you in releasing any trapped emotions that come up for you.
3. Practice good aftercare.
If youāre kinky, youāre likely already familiar with aftercare. In kink and BDSM, aftercare is what the Top/Dom (the giver) provides to the bottom/sub (the receiver) after a scene to support them physically and emotionally so that they feel nurtured. Aftercare can include many things such as a drawn bath, snuggles and cuddling, back scratches, a full-body massage, or even sex.
Hereās the thing, though: you can give yourself aftercare after solo sex, and you can practice good aftercare with your partner EVEN IF the sex isnāt kinky.
Think of aftercare like self-care after your sexual practice. What do you need after solo sex or partnered sex to feel cared for?
For me, I usually stay in bed for a few minutes after I masturbate and imagine that one of my partners is spooning me. By taking the few extra minutes to rest and stay in the space that Iāve just created post-orgasm, I feel like Iām emotionally taking care of myself. Cuddling with myself is especially important for me if I have a powerful emotional release (read: crying or screaming) during orgasm.
It might take you some time to identify what aftercare practices are best for you, and thatās okay. And what you want for aftercare may change over time or vary depending on what you experience during your sacred sex practice. Just make sure that youāre approaching yourself with love, tenderness, and compassion, and all will be well.
4. Change your language.
Language is one of the most powerful tools known to man. Language is how I create my reality, and itās how you create yours, too. What you think about, what you say, is what you see in your life. Words are a medium through which you design your world.
Even beyond that, each and every word has an energetic frequency and vibration. That means the words that I use are important because they can cause me to have different beliefs, different emotions, even different physiological responses.
Here are a few relevant examples:
- Masturbation vs. solo sex practice
- Relationship vs. partnership
- Tolerating vs. accepting vs. embracing
Changing your language extends well beyond switching up some phrases. Just observe how you think and talk about sex for the next week. Do you view it as an obligation? Do you see sex as something that can bring you and your partner closer? What words do you use to describe the sex that youāre having currently? Do those words match the kind of sex youād like to have?
Just notice what comes up for you when you answer these questions. And donāt judge yourself if you have some language around sex that doesnāt support the kind of sex you want to have. Just change it. ????
5. Shift your perspective.
While setting an intention for your session, breathing, practicing good aftercare, and changing your language around sex are all super beneficial, sometimes a larger paradigm shift is necessary. For example, when I was in my early 20s, I had the belief that āmasturbation was badā and āI needed to please my partner through sex.ā
More recently, Iāve chosen to look at sex as a way to express love for myself and for others and to find greater union with them. And asking myself: how can I give or receive more fully in this moment?
Iāve also chosen to expand my definition of sex, and thatās been wildly supportive to me. Barbara Carrellas, the author of Urban Tantra, defines sex as āanything that increases the potential for orgasm.ā Not just intercourse. Not just oral. Not just anything that results in orgasm.
That means, using Carrellasā definition, salsa dancing could be sex. A deep, intimate conversation could be sex. Gazing into my partnerās eyes could be sex. Gazing into a mirror and telling myself I love myself could be sex. Spooning my partner in bed could be sex. Flogging (or being flogged) on a spanking bench could be sex.
When I expand my definition of what sex is, Iām less attached to having intercourse or just one kind of sex. I can experience and explore the richness that life has to offer, and I can also challenge myself to be fully present with whatever activity in which Iām engaging.
The schlong and the short of it
Ultimately, creating a sacred sex practice that heals you rather than shames you is a journey. Itās not something that happens overnight. And, by practicing these strategies consistently, you can change your relationship with sex pretty quickly.
For more individualized support, I encourage you to book a complimentary call with me and learn more about 1-on-1 sex and intimacy coaching. During the call, I focus first and foremost on bringing you clarity about your situation, and we identify at least two key actions that you can begin working toward the very next day. So, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. You can book that call here.
And the most important thing: donāt ever give up on yourself. You are beautiful, you are beloved, and you deserve to have an amazing sex life, whatever that means for you.
To your empowerment,
Kelly Noel ????